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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
The homeowner goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and
she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke
down in rain and we were on the way to pick up our girls from the baby-sitter?
You went up to an old farm house and got the farmer out
of bed to help you..and he did."
Then he said,"Yes, but I wasn't drunk and this man is." "That doesn't make any difference," said his wife. "He still needs help, and besides it's the Christian thing to do."
So he climbs out of bed, puts his clothes on, goes downstairs and opens the door, but the man is gone. He steps out and he still can't see that old drunk anywhere. So he hollers out, "Do you still need a push?"
And the man answers back, "Yes, please!" Dave still can't see him, so
he say, "I can't see you,
where are you?" And the man says, "I'm over here in the swing."
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Chinese Proverbs:
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
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Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of
this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's
no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the
second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says
St. Peter and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St.Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult. He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Minnesota."
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The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
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Grandma's Prescription
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
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Subject: The Wall
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The final fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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Kinda puts a whole new meaning to "Had a bad day at the office doesn't it?"
Just as a word of explanation, Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister.
True story:
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep
warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The
hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back,
so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was
not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor
of my dilemma over the comms.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with five
other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted
the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water compression
stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my
chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing
but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When
I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get
in the
chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for
two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that
this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on
the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.
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Grandma's Revenge
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
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