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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses!
All right, let's go up
there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for
a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed
to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and
I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." (And neither did the wife.)
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing..."
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Subject: Bubba & Earl
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Earl, were drivin' down the road drinkin' a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted for drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said, "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What for?, " asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', O.K.?, " said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir, " said Earl, "we're on the patch."
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SEX ED
A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. Unfortunately, she is a math teacher and knows little about teaching sex ed.
She decides to use her math techniques to teach the subject, and thinks
flash cards will work well. The next day in class, she explains that
a new unit of sex Ed is to begin. She holds up the first
flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "does anyone know what this
is?" Little Suzy
responds, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of
them."
The teacher says "very good Suzy, you get a star for the exercise" The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says, I know I know! It's a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!"
The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them." Tommy says "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"
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"Children As Pets - The Cat Years"
I just realized that while children are dogs - loyal and affectionate - teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts it's head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It bounds indoors with enthusiasm when you call it.
Then around age 13, your adoring little puppy turns into a big old cat.
When you tell it to come
inside, it looks amazed, as if wondering who died and made you emperor.
Instead of dogging
your doorsteps, it disappears. You won't see it again until it gets
hungry-then it pauses on its
sprint through the kitchen long enough to turn its nose up at whatever
you're serving.
When you reach out to ruffle its head, in that old affectionate gesture, it twists away from you, then gives you a blank stare, as if trying to remember where it has seen you before. You, not realizing that the dog is now a cat, think something must be desperately wrong with it. It seems so antisocial, so distant, sort of depressed. It won't go on family outings.
Since you're the one who raised it, taught it to fetch and stay and sit on command, you assume that you did something wrong. Flooded with guilt and fear, you redouble your efforts to make your pet behave. Only now you're dealing with a cat, so everything that worked before now produces the opposite of the desired result. Call it, and it runs away. Tell it to sit, and it jumps on the counter. The more you go toward it, wringing your hands, the more it moves away.
Instead of continuing to act like a dog owner, you can learn to behave like a cat owner. Put a dish of food near the door, and let it come to you. But remember that a cat needs your help and your affection too. Sit still, and it will come, seeking that warm, comforting lap it has not entirely forgotten. Be there to open the door for it.
One day your grown-up child will walk into the kitchen, give you a big
kiss and say, "You've
been on your feet all day. Let me get those dishes for you."
Then you'll realize your cat is a dog again.
(Author Unknown)
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."
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"Stuffed Animals"
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night.
When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So ... how was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
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Subject: Finally!! A smart blonde!
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5000. The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security
for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000. and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire . What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000. ?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?
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Subject: Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and Weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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The Old Man, a Boy and a Donkey
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and
it was decided that the
boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought
that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old
man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story...........
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am" replies
the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The final fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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The US Standard railroad gauge
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the first U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines in Europe were designed and built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who designed
and built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for
building wagons, which used that same
wheel spacing.
Okay, why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, when they tried to use any other spacing, the wagons were prone to breaking down on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were all made to certain specifications for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military, as it were) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
But one "nagging" question still remains. Why did the design of the Roman army war chariots incorporate that specific wheelbase? Answer: Because the chariots were designed to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
So, the next time you are handed some odd ball specification and you assume that some horse's ass was responsible for coming up with it, you may be exactly right!
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